Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Pregnancy Prayers

Yes, I'm pregnant.

Yes, I am thrilled with this blessing.

Yes, our baby is still in my tummy "because we've said lots and lots of prayers for the baby to not die", as Gunner would say.

Let's just hope these prayers continue to get answered!

I am 15 weeks. Due July 23rd. Sure it's a boy - will be SO grateful either way.



So, this news of my pregnancy may explain where I've been the last 15 weeks (happy, yet nauseous, tired, behind on everything, overcome with gratitude)... but, it doesn't fully explain where I've been the last 9 months. If you care to know, and like lots of details, I can explain. This is mostly for my own "journaling", so feel free to skip. :)

9 months ago, I started clomid. We've used fertility drugs for all 6 of my pregnancies. After trying for about a year for our first baby, we found out I have really low progesterone. (as in mine is 2.1, and most women are high-teens to low-twenties.) The BLESSING - clomid worked! I got pregnant right away, but miscarried because my hormones dropped back off. Clomid, and progesterone suppositories, blessed us with 3 ADORABLE boys, whom we love so much! I feel so blessed to have modern medicine to allow us to be parents!

So, 9 months ago, we started clomid again, hoping to have one more baby before getting out of the Air Force this August. Moving pregnant and getting on private insurance, would mean my pregnancy would be a "pre-existing condition" and not covered by insurance. Surprisingly, I got pregnant in May the first month of clomid! It took until the 6th month to get pregnant with Beckett, so we were really excited it happened so quickly! I was due this February. I bled at 7 weeks, but everything seemed fine. Then, at 13 1/2 weeks, they were unable to find a heartbeat. I was at the doctor's office with Gunner and Beckett in tow. They wanted me to go to the hospital for an ultrasound. My dear friend, Jaime, met me there to watch my kids, and they confirmed that the baby's heartbeat had stopped at approx. 9 weeks 6 days. I went back to the doctors, and talked about a DnC surgery to remove the fetus. They wanted to do it the end of the week, but I wanted it done right away. The surgeon on-call had a canceled surgery that afternoon, so I went to my friend, Jaime's, house to wait to hear if they could get me in that afternoon. They called and said they would do it if I came right away. She drove me to the hospital, I checked myself in for surgery. I felt so alone. However, a surprise blessing was my anesthesiologist ended up being our friend from church, Shaun Crook. I felt so comforted knowing there was a priesthood holder there, and someone who had my best interests at heart. He even started my IV when the tech missed it a few times! Minutes before surgery began, I asked if I could call my husband one more time, and he was on his way in the hospital doors (after finishing a dental surgery, picking Cooper up from school, and dropping him off at the Bells' house). I was able to kiss him before surgery. I woke up. I was ok - physically. Andrew left to take Gunner to his preschool open house. I prayed.

This may sound odd, but through the whole thing, I was MOST ok with the fact that this baby wasn't supposed to come to earth at this time. The part I didn't anticipate, or had never experienced before, was the wave of depression that overcame me. I didn't feel like myself at all! Andrew was back at work the next day, and I was back to having to be a mom to 3 other kids, and recovering from surgery. It was Cooper's 1st week of Kindergarten, and he was still needing me to walk him in, but instead I couldn't even drive him, and had to send him kicking and screaming with a neighbor to school. He sat in the office for an hour. The next day Andrew was able to come with me to Kansas City where Beckett had surgery for a hypospadius repair (penis surgery). I was a wreck sending him back for general anesthesia after losing my baby just 2 days earlier. I was sure I was going to lose him too. Thank goodness my rational, loving husband was there too! 3rd day post-surgery, Gunner started his first day ever of preschool. He surprised us and did ok - I was the wreck, and poor Beckett was drug along a day after his surgery.

I was SO upset too, that I had to go through 13 1/2 weeks of nauseousness that comes with pregnancy for me, being tired, not feeling like a good wife and mother, and then just to lose the baby made it feel like it was all for nothing.

Another hard thing, was that a few days before my miscarriage, Andrew said while laying in bed, "I've never felt like I've had a feeling either way about the sex of our kids, but for some reason, I really feel like this one is a girl." Which, made me happy at the time. But, made me sad when I lost her.

Besides feeling unable to be there for my kids when they needed me most, I was completely unprepared to have post-partum depression. I'd never had it before. I would sit on my couch and stare at my kids. It was SO hard to be so far from family. I felt so alone. I hadn't told very many people at all that I was pregnant, but then that made it so hard to ask for help. Besides, what do you say? "Can you come watch my kids so I can sit on the couch and do nothing all day?" My house was a wreck. It was really the first time I've felt like I didn't have control of my emotions.

So, despite my emotions, and not being physically or emotionally prepared, I got back on clomid on my first cycle after my surgery. Never before had clomid affected me the way it did now. It felt like there was a beast inside of me. I never took things out on my kids (thankfully, although I could somewhat sympathize with those who do when you are emotionally unstable). But, my poor husband probably didn't recognize his wife. AND, we were supposed to be making a baby! ;) The first month didn't work, but we did it again. The 2nd month of clomid was even worse. I would cry for no reason. I would get so down on myself, mainly. My great husband gave me an amazing blessing, and would just hold me while I cried in the middle of the night. I was fully prepared to stop clomid, and get myself together before we tried the whole baby-making thing again.

I am not proud of those few months of my life, but I feel SO blessed when we found out that the 2nd month of clomid WORKED! Although, I was SO scared to lose another baby too! Andrew said he'd take another first-trimester wife, over a clomid wife, anyday! :) It took me a long time to get "excited" about being pregnant this time. I just was more scared than anything. But letting our kids know on Christmas, and our family know shortly after, has helped me get more excited, and feel more hopeful.

All of the pregnancy calculators say I am due July 24th, but my doctor said July 23rd. July 24th is a bitter-sweet day for me. As many of you know, our dear friends lost their baby girl during delivery on July 24, 2008. And we had more dear friends deliver a still-born boy this past July 24th. And based on my ultrasound, my last pregnancy baby died at 9 weeks 6 days, which was July 24th. And, now, I am due July 24th. I have no doubt that my Heavenly Father shows me his love is so many ways. He has a plan for me.

I bled again (which is when I got the above ultrasound), but everything looked ok, and we've heard the heartbeat a few times, and our kids pray OFTEN for our baby! I don't want to jinx myself by writing this, but I feel safe. Like things are good. Like my tummy is growing, and I'm nauseous again (but so blessed to have Zofran and Phenegran part of my daily routine with TOTALLY helps!).

I feel like being on fertility drugs, and pregnant, and recovering from a miscarriage, and fertility drugs, and pregnant again, I've been SO BEHIND on every other part of my life. However, Andrew and I have a renewed love and connection, and I am SO grateful for him in my life, to stand by me through all of this.

So our pregnancy prayers continue (and hopefully the nausea ends soon!). We feel so blessed - in so many ways.

And, hopefully, I can keep up with my blog now, and not disappear again on all of you!
So, I guess life will go on. And probably only get harder as we experience life with 4 kids! But, I know my Heavenly Father loves me!

{I asked Cooper to draw a picture of our family, and to not forget the baby in my tummy. I've seen friends announce their pregnancies this way, and think it's cute. He did it in 2 minutes tonight before bed, and handed me this 1x2 inch drawing he had cut out. It's tiny, but I blew it up, and I think it is just perfect. Enjoy!}

post edit: Can't forget to mention a few friends were so helpful in making me feel better about even continuing to want a 4th. It is hard to "do it again". Mainly fearful. But my friend said her doctors tried to tell her to stop trying for her 4th after 4 miscarriages (2 stillborns), and she is SO glad she didn't listen. I agree with her that once you have spiritual confirmation that you are supposed to have another baby, there is an empty place in your heart until you do. Thanks Jenifer!

32 comments:

The Shields Family.... said...

Oh Cassie!! We are so happy for you!! You and your sweet family are in our prayers! We truly do miss your family. I can not wait to see more pictures of this little one! :-)

steph said...

What a ride! SOOO excited for you and your cute little family! We'll send some pregnancy prayers your way also!

Sydney said...

Wow, Cassie. I'm in tears with you. I know the road of Clomid and misscarriage too and it's a rough road. Especially when you're far from home and can't really stop to grieve since you've got others depending on you.

So glad that all is well so far. I'm totally impressed with your timing- end of July and getting out of the military in August! Just as an FYI, you can get Cobra with Tricare {we've been on it for 18mo since I was pregnant with Creed when we got out} and although it's expensive, it covers pregnanty 100% and you can have it for 18 mo. So if you think there's a 5th in store, it may be worth the expense.

Congrats!

Dave and Jen said...

I'm so happy for you. Thanks for sharing your story. That's crazy. Heavenly Father will always take care of us and he knows whats BEST . We have been so blessed. I've only had 1 misscarriage and that was bad enough. My prayers are with your family. I hope we can get together soon.

Lowd and Proud said...

Thank you for sharing all your thoughts. What an internal struggle. I know that would be very hard, but it's great that you have Andrew by your side. We will keep you in our prayers. Please feel free to call anytime! I am always up for a good visit while folding my endless loads of laundry. Love you and miss you!

Seriously... said...

well congratulations! so exciting!!!! i'm so sorry the last few months have been so hard for you and your family. I have a love hate relationship with july 24th too.....

anyway, we'll keep you in our prayers and be anxious to hear how you are doing!!! i feel like 4 boys was doable up until just recently (Kody has been getting into EVERYTHING lately, and along with the other boys....they are ALL keeping me on my toes). I'm excited to hear if you'll be in the 4 boy club :) Anyway....congrats again, and get some sleep!!!

aliciamae100 said...

you and your little baby are in my prayers, Cassie!! I know a little how you feel.
July 24th, Pioneer Day = YOU are a pioneer!! (strong, focused, blessed, determined, faithful, and in the end, you're journey will be worth it.) I miss you!!!

gregandlaura said...

cassie - thanks for being so brave and sharing your story! So sorry you had to go through that, I couldn't imagine. We will keep you in our prayers for sure! HOpe you start feeling like yourself soon.
ps- I was really bad on clomid too!! Totally scared to do it ever again!

Johansen Family said...

We are so excited for you guys!!

510Jen said...

Wow Cassie. You are amazing thanks for your story. I am glad everything is going well. Good luck hopefully you will be feeling better SOON. Glad you feeling like yourself again. Can't wait to hear what it is!

The Asay Family said...

Cassie, congratulations to you and your family! I didn't get to know you too well, but you have been a tremendous example to me and I'm so glad to know you! I'll keep you in my prayers, too. Congrats again. So excited for you!

Mandy said...

Clicked over from FB and congrats to you and your family. Just to let you know my neice's birthday is July 24th and she will be 7 this year. :-) I do pray all goes well for you and your family.

Carissa Poyfair said...

Congratulations Cassie! Whether it is a boy or a girl, they will be so blessed to be in your family. You really are such a role model and inspiration for me. Can't wait for more news!

Shawn and Cami and Max and Annie said...

I read your blog and I totally know what you mean! Baby blues never hit me before, but this one has been hard. It made me feel better about myself to hear someone else feeling the same way! Thanks for putting your heart on your sleeve. It made my night! Good luck, and congratulations, and drink lots of water! (I'm a labor and delivery nurse :)

The Obstinant Family said...

Cassie I'm so happy for you and your family for another cute addition. The trials that we have to face sometimes are hard to go through to recieve blessings in our life. But I believe it's to help us grow. We also go through trials I think so that we can share them with others that have faced the same trials to help one another out as well.

Congrats SwEEtHeArT!

Kristin said...

Cassie congrats!! That's so exciting! I am SO happy for your cute family!!

Priebe Family said...

Congratulations! We are very excited and will pray that all goes well! Glad to see the updates on you family.

Brynne said...

Man, am I pregnant? Cause I can't stop crying! Whoever this baby is, they are lucky to be coming to YOU. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you more through everything. I had no idea that it was such an emotional battle aside from the logistical battle. I love you so much. I did notice you and Andrew seemed so close over the holidays. I find comfort in the fact that you have an amazing guy taking care of you, too. I love you.

Brookie C. said...

Cassie oh my gosh, I just cried through that whole thing. I am so glad you're pregnant agian and you'll be in my prayers!

Tiff said...

Cassie---I've SOO been there with the post-baby depression and clomid. It really is tough and I'm glad it's behind you. Don't feel like it's not normal, I seriously felt the same way after we had our miscarriage too. I'm also glad there is a Happy outcome!!! I'm so happy for you! You're little one is blessed to have you! Good Luck and take it easy!

Tiff Gatten said...

Congrats guys! That is a hard thing to go through. I'm glad things are going better for you. Our love to all of you. Do me a favor though, and start that baby a day or two early....I really don't feel good about the 24th after reading this.

Cannon Clan said...

Cassie, will be praying for a safe and healthy arrival for your baby. my heart goes out to you and your family. losing a baby is so painful. hang in there and god bless.

Amber said...

Thanks for sharing Cassie and congrats on a new little one. We are all thinking and praying for you and your family :)

Kelly Corbett said...

Cassie, I have always thought so much of you, you are such an inspiration. I too, was crying while reading your story. Thanks for sharing. Our prayers are with you. You are so strong!

Aly G said...

Congrats! Yae I am so happy! Can't wait to hear if it is a boy or girl! Babies are such miracles. I am so sorry for the trials you have been through, wish I was closer to help. I can't imagine how frustrating the whole clomid thing was. I miscarried once and it is hard on your body, can't imagine what you have gone through!Love ya!

Unknown said...

Oh, Cassie. It is so hard to be away from family and have to deal with things like this! I can only imagine. I am so happy for your recent pregnancy. We will keep you in our prayers. You made me cry. It's sad to know that people are having hard trials and you have no idea. Hope your get to feeling better soon, and I will be looking forward to your updates.

Andrea said...

I wish I could have been there for you. Thank God for sweet husbands and spiritual inspiration to keep us going. Love you and wish you the best with this baby.

NACJMAC said...

Cassie,
I read your update a week or so ago and have been thinking about you guys- You are stronger than me! We've been trying to have another baby for a year and half with no luck, and I know it can get discouraging, but I cant' imagine going through what you've gone through! I'm happy things are lookin up for you guys now- Miss you guys and hope to see you guys in real life again soon! Your little boys are sure darling! It will be fun to see if you have another boy or a little Larson Girl :)

wurstens5 said...

Yea Congratulations! I didn't even see this post until now. Sorry you had to go through all of this. It's kind of crazy how things work out. I really hope you are feeling better and that things go well for you. Our prayers are with you, hang in there.

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